When Your Baby Cries

A guide for the first 18 months for calming your infant.

If you’re a parent of a baby, you already know this truth:

Sometimes your baby cries and you can’t fix it quickly.

And that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

At Magic Garden, we hold a simple belief that supports both babies and parents:

Babies cry to communicate — not to manipulate.

They’re not trying to be “difficult.”

They’re doing the best they can with the tools they have.

Babies can’t regulate alone yet (they borrow our calm)

Babies rely on adults to help them feel safe and settled. In the early months and years, their nervous systems are still developing, and they need co-regulation — a steady adult to help them return to calm.

As the National Academies explained in their landmark early childhood report:

“The growth of self-regulation is a cornerstone of early childhood development…”

(Shonkoff & Phillips, 2000) 

In real-life parenting terms, this means: your baby doesn’t calm down because you told them to. They calm down because you stayed close and helped their body feel safe.

A gentle truth: we can’t feel what they feel

Sometimes adults say “they’re fine,” because we’ve checked everything.

But babies experience the world from the inside — and we can’t always know what they’re sensing. So instead of labelling their feelings, we respond to them.

Underneath a baby’s cry is often one question:

Do you see me?

Do you understand me?

Do you care?

Common reasons babies cry (a calm checklist)

Babies often cry because they are:

• hungry or thirsty

• needing comfort and closeness

• overstimulated (too much noise, light, movement, activity)

• too hot or too cold

• uncomfortable (wind, reflux, wet nappy, tight clothing)

• tired or overtired

• needing to wee or poo

• stressed, startled, or overwhelmed

Sometimes the answer isn’t “a thing.”

Sometimes the answer is simply: support.

When Nothing Works: Overtiredness & Overstimulation

Overtiredness doesn’t always look sleepy

Overtired babies can look wired, angry, frantic, or unsettled.

You might notice:

• crying that escalates quickly

• pulling off feeds and re-latching repeatedly

• arching, stiff body, tense hands

• fighting sleep even though they’re exhausted

• short naps and big wake-ups

When babies stay awake past their “sweet spot,” their stress response can ramp up. The early stress system (often discussed through the HPA axis and cortisol patterns) plays a big role in infant regulation and development. Gunnar & Quevedo (2007) provide a widely cited overview of how stress biology interacts with development. 

Overstimulation: even “nice” days can be too much

Babies are constantly processing:

sounds, faces, light, movement, transitions, and touch.

Overstimulation might look like:

• turning away from people

• frantic wriggling or flailing

• sudden crying after seeming “fine”

• needing movement but not settling

• fighting sleep, even when tired

Overstimulation isn’t bad behaviour.

It’s a baby saying: “I’ve had enough.”

The Magic Garden approach: regulate first, solve second

When babies are overwhelmed, they don’t need more “doing.”

They need more being.

Less fixing.

More steady presence.

This aligns with what we know from attachment research across development. As Sroufe writes in his long-term developmental work:

“…understanding the role of attachment entails grasping the organizational nature of the attachment construct…”

(Sroufe, 2005) 

In everyday terms: the quality of early relationships shapes how children learn to feel safe, settle, and cope.

What to do when nothing works (a gentle reset plan)

1) Make the world smaller

Reduce stimulation:

• dim the lights

• soften voices

• move away from busyness

• slow down your body

Two minutes of “less” can be powerful.

2) Get close and steady

Try:

• a firm, calm cuddle (not lots of bouncing)

• slow breathing

• a quiet repeated phrase

  “I’m here. You’re safe.”

Your baby may still cry — but your calm is still working.

3) Choose one soothing strategy and stay with it

When babies are overloaded, rapid switching can add more stimulation.

Pick one thing and repeat it gently for long enough to help:

• still holding

• walking slowly

• patting

• rocking

• singing quietly

4) Check basics (without overthinking)

Quick scan:

• hunger?

• wind/discomfort?

• temperature?

• nappy?

• tiredness?

  
  

If the basics are met, it may simply be an overwhelm moment — and your baby needs you close.

5) Move toward sleep gently (not forcefully)

Supportive options:

• a quiet room + predictable routine

• contact nap if needed

• carrier/pram walk for a reset

• white noise (soft + steady)

This isn’t “creating a dependency.”

It’s helping your child develop regulation through relationship.

A science note on prolonged crying

Families make different choices around sleep and settling — and we respect that every home has different realities. What research does show is that infants can experience physiological stress during prolonged distress. A widely discussed study found that during an extinction-based sleep training programme, some infants reduced crying but cortisol levels remained elevated.  This is not shared to scare parents — only to reinforce a gentle truth: Babies learn to calm themselves by being calmed.

When to seek help (you’re never overreacting)

Trust your instincts. If you’re worried, you deserve support.

Please seek medical advice or urgent help if your baby:

• has a fever (especially very young infants)

• seems in pain, has unusual crying, or a “different” cry

• is very sleepy and hard to wake

• has breathing concerns

• isn’t feeding well or has signs of dehydration (fewer wet nappies)

• has repeated vomiting, blood in stool, or ongoing diarrhoea

• has a rash that concerns you

• is unsettled and you feel something isn’t right

It is always okay to call your GP, Plunket, or Healthline for reassurance.

A final reassurance

If today is one of those days where nothing works quickly, please remember:

Your baby isn’t giving you a hard time.

They are having a hard time.

And your presence is doing more than you realise.

Do you see me?

Do you understand me?

Do you care?

That’s the message you’re answering — every time you respond